The Meaning of Life with Dr. Bob

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The sign on my door said, “The Meaning of Life: To Be Happy.” That sign has invited so many people and challenges through that door over the years. Jerry was no exception.

“I’ve just traumatized my kids for the umpteenth time.” He just blurted that out as he came through the door with the sign on it. He threw himself into the interview chair. He was 42, with a balding spot, black hair, grey eyes,  a little over-weight, but aren’t we all. His face was red from his exclamation, or some sort of exertion.

“I do it to my kids, our pets, my wife. I’ve got to stop. I blow up way out proportion to what is happening in the moment. I’ve got to stop.”

A clue came immediately to my mind – he said he blew up way out of proportion to what was happening in the moment. “Do you keep little things inside and then they gather together for one big burst of anger?” I asked. He acknowledged that is exactly the way he felt. He was nearer a solution on his own than he had any idea. “Was this way your father or mother acted when you were young?” I asked further.

“How did you know? My mother blow up about once a week. We kids learned to see the signs of the coming eruption and tried to stay out of her way. Never worked, though. One of us got a screaming-at before long.”

“So, you have, now, this long standing habit of doing the same. That habit has at least two parts: 1. The gathering together of little things that cause fiction within yourself. And 2. When the pressure becomes too great from all those accumulated little things, you blow up like a volcano.”

“Yeah, well, you nailed it, doc. But what do I do? I’ve tried to blast this bad habit, as you call it. It is so hard to change, thought. What do I do?”

“Don’t do anything with the bad habit,” I said. That brought a surprised look to Jerry’s face. “It is far easier to replace a bad habit with a good one. Then, eventually, the bad habit just dies away of its own disuse.” The look on Jerry’s face eased.

(Unless you are in the throes of true addiction – like with alcohol or drugs or gambling – the rest of what you have is bad habits. If you are addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, I respectfully suggestion you need to find a 12 step program like AA as soon as possible.)

“Jerry, first,” I said, “you got to develop the new good habit of confronting issues that irrate you right now, in this moment. In the calmest tones you can manage you’ve got to say what’s on your mind right then. Believe me, your family and pets, will be glad you did let them know right then. Because then there will be no need for the big-blow-up. Simply replace your old, bad habit with this new, good habit. Then your habit of blowing-up inappropriately will disappear over time.”

“Can’t be that simple, doc. Got to be more to it.”

“Think about it for a moment, right now. Run it through your mind and see what you feel.”

He did that. “Okay, Dr. Bob, I give it a real good try.”

Then I tried to imitate Yoda and said, “There is no try, there is do or not, only.” Jerry laughed as he went out through my office door with the sign that said, “The Meaning of Life: To Be Happy.” (I don’t know to this day if he laughed at my poor Yoda imitation, or the idea, or what.) Jerry and I happened to run into each other at the supermarket about two months later. He volunteered immediately that there were no more blow-ups at his house from him.

In your quest for the meaning of life, which I believe is to be happy, replace your bad habits with good habits. The bad will die of their own disused weight.

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